Knowing, Understanding, Accepting

 

Knowing, understanding, and accepting all make me feel good.  I have been very in and out of depression since the break up of a 3 1/2 year relationship.  I am beginning to understand why a person even in an abusive relationship (which mine was not) would just keep going back...it's all you know!  I moved my bed to the center of my room, sort of, and I was at a point where I just wish everything was back to the way it was just so that I could feel "comfortable".  However, being in an unhealthy relationship wasn't comfortable.

Knowing your partner's and your own personal faults...
Understanding why you two do not work well together...
Accepting all of the above and the fact that if one person is willing to do the work and the other is not, things are just going to stay the same.

Knowing the relationship is over...
Understanding that you will get through this and you'll be okay...
Accepting that you need this pain in your life or else you would have been stuck in a rut of life.

I want to believe that you should exhaust all outlets of help before getting a divorce...but what about in a good ol' boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?  How is that any different?  I wanted to try one more time, but the fact that he never really tried even the second go around meant we were probably going to be in an ongoing problem. This one person did not want to fix any problems he just walked away from them and quit.  It's sad and it makes me mad.  Alas, it's done and I'm finally OK with it.

Who knows...I might be in a cycle of depression still, but I hope it's done.  I hate the anxiety it gave me and I hated how much I cried.  It wasn't healthy for me and though they were very supportive of me, my parents were getting tired of me talking and sobbing (I'm sure).

I believe everyone should journal!  That's where I find myself to be the truest to myself.  I saw our relationship failing since the beginning of the year, and though I was willing to give him another chance (though he was not willing the same for me) my journal definitely called it before I allowed myself to.  Here's one for the journal, huzzah!

Life is about taking and giving chances, you just need to be strong enough to mean what you say and work for what you believe in then everything will be worth it!  If you're strong and those around you are weak...LIFT THEM UP!

Drinking makes me feel good? Uh oh!

I lerv these spiders...they're my faves.

I wonder if people in other countries say things like Er Mer Gerd! (oh my god)?  Ya know, like take their words and make crazy funny slang with it.  Next time I go over seas I'm gonna just use all slang and be like...what? you don't know what I'm saying?!  Get outta here crazy monkey slayer.

But seriously, I have a marg like every now and then instead of just...once in a long while.  I admit that I drink them when I'm feeling down...so the sugar and the booz can bring me back up.  My friend told me to try the vitamin B6 so my mom has some that are probably expired but I'm trying them.  Next paycheck from now...14 days blech! I'll be purchasing some up to date ones.

When abbreviations started becoming cool like OMG and LMAO, etc.  I couldn't believe how easy it was to just figure out what they meant by guessing.  It must have been the young blood running through me...however later a friend texted me ILY and I was like...you forgot the EM...but I do believe I caught it eventually and hopefully before I sent my dumb reply.  I LOVE YOU...should never be shortened anyways.

Drunk Bloggin'.  I'm not drunk yet...and I probably wont be after this 6oz margaheatarita.  I'm probably just insane to begin with so just thinking about drinking things that change something in me makes me prematurely cray.

"You be straight cray righ nah"  ..................that's what I'll say to them french people.................and they'll be like: Escoosemwah?  I took Spanish.

But I would never smash one of those spiders.  If it's big and scary SMOOSH if it's medium and scary SMOOSH if it's little and in my room SMOOSH.  Mosquito's.  If they're suckin' my blood SMOOSH if they're buzzin round my ear SMOOSH if they're buzzin around the room and I see them SMOOSH.  Birds.  If they're playing infront of my car SMOOSH.... NO SERIOUSLY! That happened and I was like AHHHHHH WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!  Poor dear.  Dears.  If they're in front of my car when I'm going 60 SMOOSH.  My Car in that scenario SMOOSH. 

I'm going to go crazy.  Just a warning.  I can't handle this...well...I can...I just can't handle the times I can't handle it.  Yeh Geht Iht?  So this is what happened...he gets a job pretty soon after graduation and he's looking at apartments and I'm saying that one would be nice because we could use the extra rooms for our offices and he never once says anything against me saying those things so I'm like sweet he's in.  What happens like 5 hours later?  He dumps me!  I just don't see myself marrying you.  What a dihque.  What a lie.  I'm bitter and I'm not gonna hide it.  3 years of bulllllllll. It was bull because I kept him around for 2 years extra than I should've anyways.  It would've been much easier to find another man in College...now it's too late and I have to just run into people.  What a joke.  I don't have the patience for this...and it depresses me.  Hence the fact that I'm going to go crazy.

Drunk blog over.

Through this hard time, this is what makes me feel good:

• Knowing that this break up is for the best...that makes me feel good!
• Having friends to talk to about every feeling I'm going through certainly feels good.
• Not feeling judged for falling back 10 steps because I think that one more letter will fix everything and we can love each other again, but then the next day I'm back to knowing it will never work...THAT'S A GREAT FEELING!
• Knowing who I can be for someone else makes me feel wonderful...but also impatient.
• All of those letters I wrote to him after the break up trying to "win" him back can be the base for a relationship with someone who's truly worth the apologies and promises.

Though this break up has been hard...I believe that it will be worth it.  It's time to move on and be able to venture out of my comfort zone (which apparently wasn't a very healthy zone).  I am very impatient and want to start seeing someone else now but I know I need a little time to collect myself more so that when God brings me this special person I can have all of my attention on him.  It makes me feel good that I can admit things to myself...even if I don't want to believe them.  I hope I don't have to reach into the Match.com pot!

what you get when you mix sleepy with mountains

mountain dew death.
itchy elbows (not actually true).
the shakes.
high anxiety.
a positive drug test (probably, but not).
the inability to sleep.
outbursts.
the need to find your true self.
i want rachels letter to come on a sunday because friends are magic and it could happen (no, no post on sundays).
hyper texts that probably make you sound like you,re desperate for attention.
unwashed hair because you would have to wash it twice ...?
cut your hair off so you dont get any ideas about curling it when its long because it wouldnt stay
you write a blog on your phone which is a terrible process and hard to correct yourself.
finally getting tired ...oh wait ive been tired all day.
drunk kitchen- shes gay and i admire that. why? because i admire the ones who are normal looking...sounds rude-sorry :(
you werent really ever my sunshine, i just liked singing the song.
if i could have a sleepover, i'd bake cakes until the sun had to rise...because if i wasnt living with my parents id probably be latenight baking every night and my neighbors would love me and never make me mad or else theyd get the desserts that were gross to me.
gonna pee, do some jumping jacks, sleep attempt

Knowing makes me happy...

Seriously...I never want to hear "I don't know" ever again.  If you don't know where to eat that is totally fine.  If you don't know how to answer to a loved one then get out the way hoe because there ain't no space for you in my life if you don't have a plan.  *Big Smile* 

Babies and Crepes

I don't have a picture for this because this post is spontaneous.  Over to my left I can see my brother with his baby on his lap while also trying to eat up some Graham crackers and milk.  To my right is the kitchen where half an hour ago I finished making a small stack of crepes.  I was watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on the Food Network channel while Guy was chowin down on some Polish food (that I want right now) they got to the dessert course and on the menu was crepes.  That was the moment I whipped out my phone and jumped on allrecipes.com to grab a quick recipe!  That link will take you to the one I used, however I decided to add a couple splashes of vanilla and a sprinkle of sugar over the batter bowl.  Once I thought you could just make this with really watered down pancake batter...nope, it doesn't work that way.

The baby was over to be baby sat while Mommy went to work and Daddy was on his way home from work.  Grandma is warming up some leftovers for dinner while the crepes sit in a plastic baggy waiting to be had for dessert.  I taste tested them with whipped topping and chocolate sauce.  I'm thinking that some fruit preserves would be yummy if I had any but we only have Grape and Apple jelly.  Bananas and peanut butter!  Yup, that's what I'm doing with mine next.  We did have honey but Brandt ate it all because he doesn't care about using the last of anything even when it's not his.....haha! Can't you tell I'm dying for some honey now?!

So...are these sugar cookies?

I have no idea what an original sugar cookie recipe looks like but I was tootaling along pinterest and found these cute "Melted Snowmen" cookies.  I didn't make melted snowmen cookies...I actually just made cookies and then found another recipe for that shiny icing and put two and two together to make YUM!

 

MIXED MATCHED SHUGARY COOKIES

 

Cookie Ingredients:

1- 1 1/4 c. sugar

2- 1 c. softened butter

3- 1/4 c. firmly packed brown sugar

4. 2 eggs

5- 2 t. cream of tartar

6- 2 t. vanilla extract

7- 3 c. flour

8- 1 t. baking soda

9- 1/2 t. salt

 

Set the oven temp to 375 degree F.

On med. speed beat together 1, 2 & 3.

Then add 4, 5 & 6 beating on med.

Then at low speed add in 7, 8 & 9.

The dough will come together when you shape into balls.

On an ungreased cookie sheet place 2 in. apart and bake 10-12 minutes.  Cool on pan for 1 min. then transfer to wire rack to cool completely.

Once the cookies are cooled apply the icing.

 

Icing Ingredients:

1- 2 c. sifted powdered sugar

2- 1 or 2 T milk (I guess this is the difference between piping and flood icing)

3- 1 T light corn syrup

4- 1/4 t. or to taste extract (I used vanilla- most call for almond)

5- food coloring

 

Combine all together and (I never thought to do this-I used a messy spoon)spoon into a plastic bag or a piping bag or...a squeeze bottle!  I don't like the taste of powdered sugar but when it's on the cookie you don't taste it very much or at all.

 

Though I told my mom I would help her vacuum and mop today I've neglected to start yet!  Hopefully leaving my latest baking excursions for you to read will get me going!  It sure will warm me up since a cool front blew in the other day.  I like the cold because I like bundling up...but then again, I don't want to be outside in the cold for very long!

 

I made the Christmas cards this year!  They aren't exactly what I was going for but it was the cheapest route for sure since the card base was already made.  I did my best to make them to where I could be proud of them :) My mom said, "Well...we've received 3 Christmas cards and I just sent out 50.  We'll see what happens."  Apparently she doesn't like giving to give...she likes giving to receive.  I'm not just saying that!  Oh no, she says those sorts of things a lot and it always seems to be around Christmas time.  I try and tell her that she doesn't have the right mind set.

 

Finally I've realized my way of life.  I believe that everyone is equal on the opinion field.  Not everyone believes this so it can get me in trouble but it's just plain silly that I'm 22 and someone would say that I should respect my elders when speaking my mind is not about respect...it's about being heard!  To tell anyone that they should respect their elders should only be applied if someone is truly being disrespected.  My brain is scattered right now so I'm probably just venting.  Don't silence your friends and children with the sorry excuse that you're older than them, you should listen to all that they have to say and compromise the outcome or explain why things aren't going to work in their favor that day.  Tomorrow is always another day, but if you keep dragging around excuses for you to get your way there will probably never be a sense of connection in your home.  It is just like that in my home and I am longing for the day to remove myself because when there are close minded people in the vicinity then nothing can ever be fully resolved. 

 

Now I'm going to mix up some early morning banana bread, previously known as late-night banana bread.