Over analyzing

 

As soon as that girl on TV said "pizza" I was like, "I want pizza!  Shoot, why'd she have to say pizza?  Now I really want some pizza!"

over analyzing

"Mary Mary quite contrary, we get board so we get married..." So true.  I think I was board.  I know I was board.  I'm bored now.  How do you spell it?  Which one is it English Language???  It seems to be B-O-R-E-D but they're both acceptable to me!  My opinion is the only one that matters!  Not really.

anyways...back to over analyzing...i'm going to over analyze a song.

If you ain't got two kids by 21,
You're probably gonna die alone
At least that's what tradition told you

I'm thinking if you have two kids by 21 you got what you were looking for young and got knocked up on your wedding night.  Or...they're probably both accidents.  What?! 

And it don't matter if you don't believe,
Come Sunday morning you best be there
In the front row, like you're s'posed toSometimes I do wonder why I'm at church.  Though I know I go to hear something helpful.  On the days where the sermon is lackluster is definitely the days I wonder why I'm there.  But you never know unless you go.  Sometimes it's more about the church family.  I'm sure what I believe is a little more off of the beaten path than them older folks in the pews around me.

Same hurt in every heart
Same trailer, different parkEveryone will go through similar experiences.  We aren't alone and we shouldn't think we are.  The best thing about surrounding yourself with good people is the awesome advice you get.  Sometimes it's surprising what you find out about someone when you're the vulnerable one.  Walls come down.

Mamas hooked on Mary Kay
Brothers hooked on Mary Jane
And Daddies hooked on Mary two doors down

Don't cake your face with make-up.  Get hooked on something healthy, not something that makes someone question who the real you is.  Don't f#$@ around with other people if you're in a relationship.  If you want to experiment, ask your partner first.  If you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, tell them.  Secrets are for people afraid to lose everything. 

Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married
And just like dust we settle in this town
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go,
Where it stops nobody knows,
And it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round

If you feel like getting married would help things...it wont.  If you feel like getting married will cure anything at all, you're wrong.  DO NOT SETTLE!  The world is full of people and there's someone out there made for you.  It might take time for your paths to cross, so practice patience and practice the things you love.  I like to say LIFE IS SHORT, BUT LONG ENOUGH TO LIVE.  Life is on a strict schedule (as in, tomorrow you will be one day older...you can't lose a day) , it's up to you to make the most of every day.

We think the first time's good enough,
So we hold on to high school love,
Say we won't end up like our parents

My parents are fine and I didn't have a high school love.  If you have to hold on then it's probably not right for you.  You need someone that will be by your side because they want to be there and because you want them to be there in every aspect.  Your story will not be your parents so don't bother trying to follow in any ones footsteps.  Make your own path.

Tiny little boxes in a row,
Ain't what you want it's what you know,
Just happy in the shoes you're wearin'

I'm not happy in the shoes I'm wearing, but mainly because I'm still a bit blinded by heart break.  I wonder if there are people out there that really aren't meant to be together but they have never had the guts to point out their weakness so they died a lie?  Does that make sense?  When you're afraid to lose all you have ever known it makes you vulnerable to never knowing. 

Same checks we're always cashin'
To buy a little more distraction

I get it...Mama paints her face and brother gets high and daddy finds new means...they're cashing into things that help them ignore all the crap that goes on around them.  Life is hard...accept those words by fighting against them!  It's like the saying "Life isn't fair" but then telling your kid to do something about it.

Mary Mary quite contrary
We're so bored until we're buried
And just like dust we settle in this town
On this broken merry go 'round
Merry go 'round

Please don't be bored.  Plant a garden.  Wash your car.  Ya know, pay attention to detail.  Write someone a letter and send it snail mail style.  Train for a marathon.  Go see a movie by yourself  (because sometimes independence is the first step to succeeding).

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Jack burned out on booze and pills,
And Mary had a little lamb,
Mary just don't give a damn no morePlease give a damn.  Sometimes it takes baby steps to get to where you want to be.  Just don't repeat those baby steps over and over again or you'll get stuck.  Set up your end goal to be possible.  After that, earn money, save money, and use those wonderful advice giving people to fuel your fire.

=

I think it is ridiculous that in a country that shouts "Freedom!" and "Equality!" from the rooftops is not fully supportive of either of those things.  Some people get scholarships for their ethnic backgrounds and some people get to marry their partners (the list goes on, of course).  Some people...but not all people.  It's ok to say "black power" but racist to say "white power" so why can't we just say "people power"?  Do you understand what healthy feminism is?  It's creating equality amongst all levels in society.  You must work yourself to the top.  Everyone has the ability to work their way to the top, and if a factor is misplaced due to your work ethic being poor, or your street being dangerous, or even physical or mental disabilities THERE ARE STILL WAYS TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS.  It doesn't matter what your goal is (I just hope it's positive), there is always a way to achieve it!  Go big or...give up?  Shoot no!  When you get tired of fighting, take a break or (what I've found to be the best thing to do) keep fighting!  It's that wall of difficulty that you must break through.  If you stop when it gets too hard, that means you're almost there! 

Serendipity #3: When the tough gets tougher...you gotta be the toughest!  (I say this is serendipity because it just came to me!)

And then my "egg on toast" was "egg on floor".

Imagine this (because I'm not allowed to post pictures of work), two beagles get into fights when you try and play ball with them together, or if you take them on walks together.  So, I walk them separately.  I also play ball with them separately.  I decided to pick up all of the balls, because they are ball crazy and all they do is stand at your feet with a ball in their mouth waiting for you to throw it for them, and put them in a bucket and up high so that they could focus on sniffing stuff.  I put them on the ledge of this 4 foot rock wall, right? and ignore the dogs for a bit.  Then, I look up and see one dog has managed to scale the rock wall and the other has it's feet up checking that his partner follows through with the task.  Crazy dogs, but also so funny and it totally made my day!

11:11
Many people use this time of day AM or PM to make a wish.  The "ex" (Oh what a dreadful term...maybe he just needs another type of reference name.  Like Todd.)  Todd would make it a point that whenever he caught this time he would yell out, "11, 11 make a wish!"  So we'd make our wishes using that whole minute to think it through.  Now days I seem to catch this time constantly.  I look at my watch, or I look at my phone and say to myself, "Really?!" as if it's a joke that it keeps happening.  I do not make a wish when I catch it though, I just think of it as a sign.  So, I guess this means it's my SERENDIPITY SIGHTING #2.  I'm never expecting it to happen, it just does.  I don't know what it means though.  He told me his wish was always the same, so I decided to ask him what it was (just now actually) and he said it was "that we would be happy together".  Doesn't that just stomp the soul?  Perhaps wishes are just hopes that we have to make happen ourselves.  There's no hope for the human race then...just kidding (I think).

A random thought that came to me: I believe in Science because it gives me knowledge to understand how the world and the things in and around it work.  I believe in God because this faith gives me the knowledge to understand my life and the things in and around it.

Other random thoughts:  My feet stink; Keds are not airy shoes.  Having a strong sweet tooth makes you sweeter; Or at least that's what I'll tell the dentist next month.  I have a feeling that my savings account will end up going to some random act of awesomeness; I wanted to buy a book today that was about how to be awesome (or something like that).  The guy on the TV is trying to find a mathematical way to communicate with aliens;  I think it's an interesting idea and I also think it's a bad idea. HAVEN'T THEY SEEN TRANSFORMERS???!!!

The title, "And then my egg on toast was egg on floor," came from this morning when I was eating my breakfast while trying to watch some primetime on demand...and my egg fell off of my toast.  So I said those words to myself and thought them to be funny.  I just had to share it with y'all!

It never turns out like you think it will...

HOW TO TOP YOUR HOT DOG

I just really enjoy hot dogs.  I used to just eat them with ketchup, or chili and cheese, but now I like the works.  The "works" are simple:  (Sour) Pickle relish on the bottom, ketchup on the side, and a mustard "wiggle line".  I'm sure I don't always dress my dog in that specific manner, but when available that's what I dress it with.

Just look at that wiggle line though!  Terrible!  I bet those people on the commercial have to wipe that dog off just to get the right wiggle numerous times.  If not, it's just paint that dried out and they pealed it up to stick on top of that H-dog.  I'm obviously more genuine than they are, sporting my flawed hot dog dressings.  I mean, I wore my dress backwards for most of the day and when I figured it out I told my friends confidently that I would have to reverse my dress due to the mishap.

I want to go to Schlitterbahn.  I want to go to the beach.  Are these too much to ask?  I would've had to go by myself if I kept my reservation...but I also would've had to clean all of the rooms there to make up for not being able to pay for my stay.  I just love the water!!!  At work when I'm filling up the water buckets, sometimes, I just want to point the stream at my face, but then of course I go through the reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea: Owners will think you're crazy, your shoes will get wet and then you'll have itchy feet, and...I don't know what goes here but I do know that it wouldn't be an overall great thing.  Maybe this is why I don't experience awesome out of the blue things, because I think about the outcome as I'm about to start.  I think taking chances is a wonderful idea though, even if you still have to weed out the really bad ideas from thee okay ones.  WATER JUST MAKES ME FEEL GOOD...I am a Pisces after all. (dork)

This weather is not turning out how I thought it would...It was in the 80s yesterday and now it's back in the 50s!  What is the world coming tooooooo???!!!  My friend Rachel told me she was taken aback by having snow two weeks into March...and though it hasn't snowed in Manchaca for a while now, I can relate on a different scale:  Cold to Even Colder and Warm to Cold.  Warm weather with a cool breeze is the kind of weather for meeze.

I know I just love bringing up my failed relationship, but it's important to me (not that it failed but what I'm learning as I trudge through the ordeal).  It's still not turning out the way I thought it would.  Every other day I build more confidence and then BAM (like this morning) I think, "I still feel strongly connected to him."  I don't know if I secretly want to never let go, I don't know if I'm still hoping for his return, and I have no idea why I can't go one day without thinking of him.  I feel light though.  It's not a burden to think of these things.  (It is, however, a burden when my body is experiencing crazy emotions due to womanhood and I'm like I WISH I COULD JUST DISAPPEAR AND STOP HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS EVERY MONTH!)  It's not like I'm groveling...just thinking.  I think too much though.  Sometimes I want to shut it off, sometimes it makes others laugh, and other times I feel like, I need to put my ideas in a book!
 
CLICK HERE to listen to a song that came onto the radio last night driving back from Seguin.  It's amazingly powerful.  I can't believe I forgot about!!!  Below are the lyrics.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah

They were cucumbers...

THESE are the Nasturtium... THOSE were the cucumbers!  I did manage to dig them up from the front flowerbed and replace them with the actual flower (while, of course, unleashing ANT DOOM) but pops said I could keep the other ones in the garden where they were.  The ones in the flower bed were at like 5 to a spot so when I dug them up I decided to put them into their own little pots to grow and maybe I can sell them or give them away to friends or neighbors!

When it froze we thought our squash plants died so pops asked me to replant some seeds.  However, now there are tons of squash plants poking out of the ground (my guess is because it only got the leaves but not the root).  My idea is to thin them out and, instead of tossing them, potting them to also hand out.

I replanted some of the basil sprouts and wonder what the heck I'm to do with the rest of them.  I, for whatever reason, hate the idea of just letting them die.  I put four or five in a window box, one to replace the one that must have died from the freeze or something, and 6 in those little compartment things that you buy flowers in at the store.  I would like to be able to sell/give those as well. 

Maybe we could post a sign on our mail box that invites our neighbors to come check out our inventory.  What can I say?  I strive to be a business woman!

I do hope my flowers bloom.  I got the seeds a year ago or so and they never bloomed, they just got spider mites (and they were on our concrete porch on the second story!), so sad!  Pops knows the cure, I'm sure, if that happens again. 

Have I told you I love making lists???

That is the quilt I sowed together all by myself...using a terrible sowing machine.  But I did it!

Sometimes I like telling myself over and over what I should do tomorrow.  So, here I go:

1. Retype Savings Log
2. Water the garden (if it doesn't rain)
3. Go to the bank
4. Since I'm over there I should go to Barnes and Noble and use my gift card on a book or two
5. Clean out my car...maybe even wash it
6. Get some gas (because I'll be broke even if I wait for the tank to become empty)
7. Invite my friend over and be crafty

I really want an apron.  Some days I'm like...gosh this is messy, I sure do wish I had an apron.  So why buy one when I have plenty of fabric and my mom's sowing machine (I don't feel like dealing with my sowing machine though GP said it was fixed)?

Sew, that quilt... (haha! get it? I typed "sew" instead of "so")  I wanted my room to be really colorful so I have the Madagascar walls, my curtains are blue and a black/white floral pattern, my desk is blue, my closet drapes are a deep red with a different black/white floral pattern, and my shelves and bookcase are red, plus I have an extra book case and knickknack shelf that are both yellow. With that being said I incorporated all of the colors into the quilt!  So fun!  However, I am about to drive myself crazy wishing I had (my own house, duh...but really) a calmer scene for my room.  I just love walking through the comforter department in JCP or the mall and all the beds are so fluffy-comfy looking and today I saw a light tan/white floral design that I fell in love with. 

After falling in love with the idea of redoing my room, I decided against it since I practically just got it done the way I wanted it and I do hope to move out of my parents house eventually.  I wish people understood my desire to design spaces...and trusted me with their wall color!

Cutting Bait: A Lesson On Forgiveness

 

 

Nasturtium.  That's the flower (unless these end up actually being the cucumbers I planted!!!) I planted around the garden and in the front flowerbed.  Hmmm... that kind of throws a loop in things if that ends up being the case huh?  That leaf looks nothing like the leaf on the picture.  What's a little cucumber EVERYWHERE?!!!

 

I love garden work nevertheless.  I woke up, had a bit for breakfast, then went on my 15 minute run ending with a walk back to the house, and then I decided to plant some of the things that I had started from seeds.  I mean, I probably should have labeled everything but that really screws with any possibility for an element of surprise RIGHT?

 

Never have I seen mustard grow (though now I am seeing it grow at the front of my church in small planters placed on the steps in front of the alter) so I thought I would watch my faith grow along with other plants, ones that will live based on how I tend to them, not how someone at the church tends to them.  Wish me luck that the right plant grows and that they don't die on my account!

 

Gardening makes me feel good, but what I've found to be really amazing is that this idea of forgiveness has got me feeling better and better each day.  I do still revert at times and say things like, "I'm still mad." and "I wish I knew why he is treating me like this." etc. but that's not forgiveness, now is it?  Forgiveness, it turns out, is the hardest yet easiest thing to do.

 

Forgiveness is hard because the human in us wants to be angry and wants to hold a grudge.  We tend to want revenge is these situations and we wish we had ways to connect with these people that turn us upside down to find answers and to find closure for ourselves.  We think, if I can just get this from them then I can forgive them.  However, forgiveness is easy because all we need are the words "I forgive you," heart and determination.  We don't need answers, though we think we do. 

 

In my situation I asked for something, I couldn't get what I wanted, then I exploded and people started calling me crazy.  I turned against myself, in a way, because I wanted to just be mature and end things grudge free but as soon as I heard that I couldn't get what I thought I needed I couldn't control myself.  He had told me to just write him a letter so I started (it was full of negative feelings) so then I re-started (and that one was full of positive feelings) but now I'm second guessing myself and thinking maybe all that letter needs to be is those three words. 

 

After those three words are put down on paper and sent off to juggle around the post-office, he might ask WHY? and he might say nothing.  He might be expecting something more but he also might forget about it even coming.  Some might think that I expect the same words in return, but I don't because I've honestly learned to expect the worst from him as negative as that is.

 

So what is this title "Cutting Bait"?  My aunt used it in an email she sent to me so I decided I'd give it a go.  I'm going to sever the ties that bind us so that I can forgive and be grudge free and MOVE THE HECK ON.  I don't want to think of him in a negative light, but I still need to remember why we aren't meant to be.  Forgiveness wont happen in one day, but it will complete itself a little at a time.  I look forward to the days I can completely focus on what's ahead of me instead of behind me!

 

Below is a song that is played on the Christian radio station.  It speaks truth AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.  Below the link are the words.  (Sometimes when jammin' along in the car, these songs make me cry...)

 

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

CLICK HERE to listen to another song that I hope to live by. 

Serendipity Sightings

Serendipity Sighting Number 1:

 

I'm never looking for butterflies (unless I notice them and then run inside for my camera), but when I'm not expecting one and it flutters by alone or with a friend I think, "Everything is going to be okay."  It's my tangible sign from God that I beg for over and over again yet I just realized what it was!  This makes me happy.

I know I already told you about running into a old pal from High School...he wasn't really a pal, I just always longed to be in that group of friends, but I wasn't.  I had my own friends, it's just that we never did anything.  Not until Senior year was I being invited to places with my Junior friends.  They were awesome and made me feel special. 

ANYWAYS!  When I plan my day I normally make up scenarios where I run into someone.  I did that for when I went to the movies and some of the other places, but then when I stopped for lunch my mind was clear and wondering.  When I walked in I was like, "Well isn't this funny!"  But then my mind went soaring so I said my piece and blah blah blah I ate too much cheese and pretended to watch baseball (which is very hard to watch on TV by the way...I'd rather be there in person).  Then out the door I went. 

I think once you find something awesome and you never put it down, that's when it loses it's "importantness".  Since the break up I've been focusing my efforts on certain people and nothing is happening "right."  So, today I realize what has become and I set down my bags so that God can carry them for me.  Though, that doesn't mean God is going to pick all of them up because some might not be important at all.

I'm not quite sure why people fear God TANGENT!  Believing in God gets your head out of your ass for one thing (unless you're living life by the crusty words of the bible instead of living life to it's fullest), and God is the best listener and advice giver.  Why be afraid of believing in something bigger than yourself?  Why hold in your problems and instead shout them out loud?  Once you understand them even clearer then you can start to process them one step at a time.  Now, you don't get far asking for specifics because God obviously isn't going to just hand us WORLD PEACE and say "Sorry, y'all were just taking forever!" so always ask for what's best and thank God for all of the things you enjoy.  One simple thing to do when you start your day is to just ask God, "Please keep me calm during this day."  That was my prayer a couple weeks ago and all through work I felt amazing.  I sure didn't get my way that night via my phone conversation, but at the end of the day, I knew it was right.  I understood why I shouldn't press it anymore. 

GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE!  That's what living is about.  If someone doesn't want to receive it, give it to them anyways.  Love just might conquer all.

A Birthday Blogday

      Yesterday was my birthday!  However I basically celebrated for three days in a row just because eating equals celebrating.  Saturday evening I invited some people over for Cocktails & Cake and though I was expecting to get drunk...what?  I ate too much food for that to happen.  It was a wonderful evening of talking and laughing and all my different groups of friends coming together to have a wonderful time!  Sooooo great!
      Then Sunday I went to church and afterwards we went over to Rachel's house because she was visiting from New York and wanted to have a lunch!  So I brought my leftover desserts and they were sucked down and along with the food we got to listen to some of her friends and our dads play some music which later Mixed Blessings attempted to one-up them.  Haha!  It was also great!
      Monday (my actual birthday) I went out by myself!  I saw Silver Linings Playbook (and it was awesome), and then I hit up Hobby Lobby for some art supplies.  Next I dropped some checks off at the bank FINALLY!  I had a $10 coupon for World Market so I had to go there of course!  Lastly since craving the idea of Kirby Lane Cafe I went there for lunch luckily running into Hector whom I met at High School so long ago.  Some people are worth saying hello to!  Haha!  Ya know, sometimes you're like, "I know that person." but that's where it's left?  I try not to do that. I "punched" him on the shoulder as I left and was like: That's probably the first time I've ever touched him.  Hahaha! I'm a dork.
      Monday evening my mom got Hot Dogs and Hamburgers for dinner (though I only requested hot dogs and corn salad...and donuts of course) so I once again stuffed myself! Now it's time to make THANK YOU NOTES!!!
      Celebrating anything makes me feel good!

Pre Cocktails and Cake

 

Jell-o shots anyone?!  No?  That's ok, more for me then.

Is that a good idea?!  Eh.

 

For my Cocktails and Cake "birthday" party I decided to go all out.  Go all out in the sense that I didn't go all out for my "Sweet 16" or for my 21st.  Really "go all out" means..."get drunk."  But I guess not many 16-year-olds were getting drunk.  Ya never know

 

THE MENU

 

*jell-o shots*

*pineapple-run-tea punch*

*berry bubbly punch*

*mango strawberry daiquiri*

*hawaiian party punch*

 

*rainbow cupcakes*

*mint chocolate poke cake*

*almond carrot cake*

 

Did you think I was joking about the cocktails and cake?  It's literally a ton of mixed drinks and cake!  Your mind is blown, and mine is still intact.  Therefore, you wont be coming to my party so there will be more cake for me.

 

Salt?!  You think we need something salty?!

 

We might.

 

But who doesn't like to be swaishty faced and hyper?ghffhgfgvhkmhbgdfd (That was the cat, helping me type.) I've been very hyper lately...so maybe I should fast on sugar before tomorrow AS I DRINK GREEN TEA WITH A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR!

 

She's a light-weight to sugar!

 

Bahaha!  Get it?  Well, I do.  I had eaten well for a whole week/I didn't have an appetite for a whole week, so when my appetite came back I was like, "Give me yum-yums!"  So along with my appetite came my personality?  (If hyperness is a personality)  It's not like I'm ashamed of my hyperness...I live it up with NO SHAME!

 

Be there/Be square y'all.